I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
BRING THE BAGELS
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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