obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
