my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
