It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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