I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
