at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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