I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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