Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
