I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
