she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize