If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
