she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
