i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
