i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
