shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
