Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
