i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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