once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We had sex on a dog bed..
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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