$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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