I love black thongs
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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