Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
