My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
