I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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