Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
