a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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