Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
