dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
