Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize