so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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