Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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