So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
