I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
