Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
