I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
