her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
