I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
