We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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