The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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