your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
