it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
