I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
