Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
