i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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