I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
