I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
