I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
love makes seman taste better
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
