i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize