I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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