Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
