woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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