Just cropdusted the office
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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