wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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