dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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